"I'm processing!"

Costa Rica marked my sixth trip in seven months. When I got back in the office after this one, I sent out some emails to some of my past participants. They were on my mind. So often I receive responses from people that say they are “still processing” their trip.

For a lot of reasons, I like that. It means that the experience was heavy. It means it meant a lot to them and impacted things deep inside, things that are hard to reach and probably ignored in the hustle and superficiality of everyday life.

I am in shock that it is mid February already (of 2012, mind you!) Time sure does fly. I thought it went fast while playing college soccer and trying to manage classes and sleep—well it did then, and it’s even going faster now. Lightning speed.

Maybe it’s the planning aspect of our jobs, Katie, that makes time seem so vaporous. We are constantly thinking about the next trip, the next month, and not only that, but planning for next fall, next winter, next spring. We are constantly on our knees praying about growth and direction and future for this program, all the while asking even more for sustenance in today’s tasks.

And in the twilight zone that is often times the Miami airport and/or flights to and from foreign lands—when I’m not trying to catch a few zz’s, I’m thinking about what’s next (for today and next year, personally and for work).

And here it is, the million dollar question: What happened to my “processing” ??

After my first trip or two, I said that ‘go to’ phrase to a lot to people who asked me about my experiences. But now…I don’t know if it’s that I’ve processed, or if I’ve just stopped processing.

What’s hard is that everyone on our trips is seeing all of it, poverty in its messy glory, for the first time. What’s even harder, is that it’s not my first time. I go back, every couple weeks, I’m headed to that place again. Whatever I haven’t processed just gets dumped onto the next trip, the next place, the next group.

I don’t think I was ever really shocked by the poverty, tent villages, the smell, the grime or any of the faces that misfortune wears on the outside. I’ve always held the opinion that people are people, no matter what. I think it’s the stuff inside that kills me. It’s when a kid is clinging to you and they don’t even know you…they just want someone to pay attention to them and hold them for 5 minutes. It’s the cry of a baby in a room of 40 other crying babies that will have to wait so long to get its food or care. It’s an orphanage of 560 kids—all without parents in a society that sees them as disposable. Its stuff like that, that if I really try and process, I just crumble. I can’t handle it.

So I don’t. I don’t have any answers, I don’t have any remedies for the broken heart that I have and that many participants leave with.

I do however, know someone who does. He is the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords. He is gentle and benevolent, mighty and strong. More and more in life, all I want to do is lie in the comfort of his mane and to be surrounded in his presence.

All I can say is that, what we are doing: visiting and giving small gifts to the poor and the orphan and the widow…is what I say about most things in life. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. Getting to know and rest in my Savior more through every experience is worth it; even if the processing takes a while or will never truly be completed. It doesn’t matter.  He’s waiting for me…mane and all.

"We do not know what to do,"

I’m a big fan of twitter for a couple reasons. Where else can you be updated whenever you want on whatever you want? Where else can 140 characters be so powerful, funny, honest or challenging? Where else can a short string of words inspire, change and motivate? A lot of people don’t like social media like facebook and twitter for obvious negative reasons, ‘self obsession’ probably at the top of the list. All I have to say is that social media is a tool just like anything else. It’s how you use it that counts. Just like a whistle can be annoying or life-saving…maybe more dramatically, so can social media.

All that said to say this: The other day I saw a tweet by a favorite author/preacher of mine. It quoted the last bit of 2 Chronicles 20:12. I wouldn’t have found this text if it wasn’t for his tweet. So I am thankful for him…and for twitter. This was the tweet:

“We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you.”

It was so simple; even shorter than the allotted 140 characters. But boy was it weighty.

I typically submit to the mantra, “Control the controllable” –but,

I am starting to think this is a bad move on my part. I can’t be sure where this axiom comes from (I don’t believe its source to be the bible), but for me in my life, it’s been kind of dangerous. It’s so…unfinished. “Control the controllable…” THEN what?

What happens when discipline, hard work, and dedication don’t work? What happens when the formula fails? What happens when you do everything right and it all turns out wrong?

I think it’s that point in our lives where we finally turn to God and just cry out to him. “I don’t know what to do,” If you’re human and by default, imperfect…I know you have said those words at least once. It was refreshing (and comforting) to see that cry echoed in this scripture. There is a reason people say that book is timeless, ey?

Anyways, what was more comforting than the camaraderie I felt with the author of the subject of the sentence was the predicate he added, “BUT our eyes are upon you.”

Often times the most destructive thing you can do is to look at yourself. Stop looking there. Stop looking to fix yourself. Stop. Stop and look up.

Cast your eyes on the one who is really in control.

Working in humanitarian aid and international development is hard. Just ask Katie. There is always more to be done.  There will always be more kids who need shoes, clean water, food, education, freedom…

Each story is heart wrenching. Each smile is beautiful. Nothing seems fair. Why was I born here? Why do I have plenty while they starve? I don’t know what to do…

I can’t control that, but I can look to the one who does. He alone can provide comfort to them, to us. May our eyes always be on Him.

Emily

P.S. Check your twitter for 140 character updates from Honduras. Katie, the team and I leave Thursday. Maybe our posts will stir up your heart and impact your life. I hope so. 

Old Friend,

I leave for Haiti in a week.

I am ready to be there--for a lot of reasons. I'm sure you can guess the obvious: I desire to give hope to Haitians in their distress, pain, poverty, suffering and in their great need. I want to put shoes on their feet and smiles on their faces. I want to care for the 'least of these', to wash them, to love them. I want to play soccer with kids and teach them tricks they can work on for years and years. (Or maybe they will show me a trick or two?) 

Photo Courtesy of Soles4Souls

But if I am truly honest with you, I'd have to say I can't wait to go for some other reasons too. I want to go, because God will be there. 

I don't mean that God is not here, in America, in Nashville, or in my heart. He is. He is here with me as I type.  But as the Haitians cry out to God for help, He is there too. And He is providing comfort. I want to see that. I want to see the arms of God wrapped around His people. 

Where there is massive pain and devastation, like in Haiti (pre and post earthquake), something divine is always happening. In great tragedy, I believe the human soul becomes transparent. It is on display like a drive-in theater. The air around us viewers is hot and humid as we try and focus in on the pictures before us. Is this a sad or happy film? Its confusing. Hard to comprehend, but easy to recognize. You can't hide a pain like that.  

I want to see my God, mighty and strong, caring for His beloved. That is why I can't wait to go to Haiti. Pain is often times God's chosen path toward intimacy with him. I have received the most of God through the pain in my life, and I am willing to bet that is true for the Haitian people as well. 

So Pain, Old Friend,   I am willing to fly to Haiti to come see you. In fact, I welcome any chance to meet up again. But I only am willing to visit because I know the One who is greater than you will be conquering.  He rescued me. He can rescue them, too.....one soul at a time ((perhaps, one sole  at a time)).

Photo Courtesy of Jared Reynolds

A Beautiful Courtship

I realize the beauty of blogging is in brevity, but I can’t help but brag about the work God has done in my best friend’s heart since I first met her at our freshmen orientation.

At the end of her testimony that was read before her baptism this weekend, Katie put to words how I believe most people (including myself) come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ: It is a courtship.

(Photo courtesy of Sojourn Community Church) 

We have caught His eye, and He can’t stand another minute without us. His grace is love, and his love is grace. He comes to the door with flowers, ready to sweep us off our feet—problem is we just don’t always notice the flowers.

His ways are mysterious and confusing, and even painful at times; but they are always sweet. After you get to know Him, you can identify the flowers.

Rejoice with the angels as you read Katie’s story. My prayer is that it brings you hope today, and you notice how God has been courting you—bringing you flowers day after day after day.

"My journey to know Jesus was dramatically impacted four years ago when I started college. Before college I knew of God, I respected Him, and I even came to Him in prayer. However, I didn’t have a relationship with Him and this left a gaping hole in my life that I couldn’t explain. My heart was hardened to God and His Word. I only went to church on Christmas and Easter and sadly even joked that I was a C.E.

Thankfully, freshman year God placed some amazing people in my life, people who were dedicated completely to him. By listening to these new friends and watching how they lived their lives, I slowly began to know Christ. They pointed me to Christian organizations, such as Fellowship of Christian Athletes and Campus Crusades, where I met other students whose lives were devoted to God. They talked about Jesus and how to have a relationship with him, which I’d never heard of before then. God slowly began to open my heart, but I, of course, was stubborn. I continued to cling to my belief that where I was, in a dead relationship with God, was good enough and used things like soccer and school as my source of joy. 

Around junior year I began going to Sojourn. Here I was nourished with the Word of God, which the Lord used to further His presence in my life. I have come to love hearing God’s Word and learning about Him. This is truly a miracle, as the Bible used to harden my heart. This past year I also opened a few books, such as Nothing in My Hand I Bring and Crazy Love, which highlighted the differences between my present life and the one I could have by giving my life to Christ.

This summer I went to Italy where I felt very uncomfortable and alone. I did not have any familiar surroundings or people I knew. However, today I am so thankful for this time, as I had to rely on God as my comfort and strength. After the past four years, I cannot say there was an “ah ha” moment when God flooded my heart. Rather, it was a slow process, as if He were courting me over time. The best thing I can say now is that I love Jesus. He absolutely has my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Over the past four years, my relationship with God has grown. I trust Him in everything and truly rely on Him, as I saw throughout my time in Italy. I’ve come to love that I can trust God with anything and everything. I can go to Him and He listens to me and answers me in His way and time. My comfort and joy come through the fact that Jesus has defeated death and that I am saved through His sacrifice."

Katie, thank you for letting me share this. More than that, thank you for being such amazing proof of God's goodness in my life. You are a treasure to me.

Turn the music down...

Tennessee is a beautiful place. I am convinced that if you muted this city, the physical beauty would shout louder than any country bar--shine brighter than every star singer/songwriter --and would tell a better story, -too. I'm no music hater, but seriously; stuff a sock down each of their respective throats; and this place would still sing. In the month that I have been here, I have had trouble not stopping on my runs (sometimes because of humidity), but mostly to just gawk at what God has laid before me; pure, strong, unblemished, and completely natural. The only one responsible for this kind of gift could be my creator, my savior, my best friend.

This weekend my sister came to town; to help me settle in by painting those white walls of mine--and help me further explore this foreign place that everyone raves about. I will say, it helps that I drove the whole time. (VERY unlike me when accompanied by someone. Really, why do I prefer to be toted around? This is a mystery even to me--I think it must be a testimony of my not-so-good multitasking skills) Anyways, we only got lost/off track a few times, and that was a good learning tool for me anyways. The highways in nashville are ridiculous, but I have created a rule of thumb. Get on 40 W, get off, go somewhere, get back on 40 E, go home. I'm hoping developing countries aren't quite so difficult to navigate--but if they are, good thing we hire guides. Regardless, I think my heart has a compass that points to orphanages, so we should be just fine (future trip participants--that was directed at you!).

Anyways:: Here are some of my favorite pictures from the weekend. They are pretty much all from centennial park in the heart of the city. Steph and I really enjoyed walking around and snapping fun pictures. I'm glad she's not posting hers because there are a lot of embarrassing shots of my fish faces, sweat stains and my uncombed hair. (But what else is new?) 

Irresistible! 

This reminds me of the passage in Matthew about worrying and how it is so silly. These aren't lilies, but its a great shot. 

This was a neat find, hidden on the ground in the middle of a sunken garden. 

My paper heart. 

Got a little carried away, but it turned out neat. Although my left hand looks like gumby. I was stretching weird so that Steph could snap the pic. 

I've never been a huge rose fan, but the red and white was beautiful! 

Reminds me of something from an elegant outdoor wedding. 

Bell tower. 

Yeah, this is Nashville.

A boo Radley Tree. 

The reverse Little Mermaid effect, A tree who "wants to be where the fishies are" 

Fountains make everything a little bit more sophisticated.

This rock star was actually at Kroger, believe it or not. Steph and I were obsessed. Yes, picture the scene with me: Two crazy girls by the checkout at Kroger with their cameras out, trying to get the perfect angle for the perfect photo. I almost left the groceries we had just bought because I was so absorbed in the flower. Thaaaaats me. Turned out good though, yeah? 

I have an intense desire to replace that gargoyle on the top left. 

Very dramatic shadows. Love it. 

This one took the cake. I am a big fan of the sun sneaking into photos like this. 

Anyways, thats a "snapshot" of the weekend; and all that our exploring showed us. More than exploring Nashville, I am exploring God's word. I am praying for all the trips I am leading this year, knowing that while I lead others to give to the poor--that God is leading me. I can't wait to see the beauty in places like Haiti, Honduras, Peru, Tanzania, India, Costa Rica, Jamaica, and all the amazing places God and Soles4Souls will take me. Please be praying for me and the teams--that we would give and receive Hope; take care of the poor and needy and be taken care of by God ourselves. Thats some good lemonade, agree? 

my symbolic one bedroom apartment

I am prefacing this post with a fact: It is late. It is late and I have had a doozie of a week filled with driving and flying, staying up late and waking up early, packing and moving. The ensuing analogy may very well take my normal cheesey-ness to new heights. Oh well. Get on my level, people: I laugh at laffy taffy jokes, Disney channel shows and specifically the word (and action of) fart(ing)…soooo maybe the cheese factor has nothing to do with the time of night or my lack of sleep. Who knows?

Anyways, I have been sitting in my new apartment for the last few hours, just thinking. Every piece of this place reminds me of how gracious God has been to me; in the past and in the present, and gives me confidence and excitement for a future in the arms of Christ.

Let me explain how one little apartment represents so much.

I have received so much in this life from God in the form of people. I am blessed to have a beautiful family and equally beautiful friends. Every one of these people, in their own unique ways has helped shape me into the girl I am and the girl God created me to be. If I am this apartment, my family and friends are the furniture. I have my grandmother’s plates, my parents tv, my friend’s couch, my aunt’s and uncle’s chair, another friend’s pots and pans, my small group leader’s dresser and bed, my sisters bird nest chair…the list goes on.

God is so good at giving us the people we need at just the right moment. We are designed for relationships and to depend on each other. Just like chairs hold us up, beds give us rest, couches let us relax, stoves challenge us (ha!), lamps light us up…people do too, and God lets us experience his goodness through people. I am mighty blessed. (And not just because I know people who gave me free stuff, but because I know some amazing folks whom I have learned from, been comforted by, and who have loved me unconditionally.)

Some other symbolic things in my apartment include newly purchased items. My mom bought me a kitchen table and chairs. This was nice of her, but I think my dad regretted to find out that assembly was certainly required. I think stuff like the kitchen table, the new shower head and curtains, these are all things that require a little bit of elbow grease. They may frustrate us, break us down, or rain on our parade. We beg for some answer, some short cut, or set of detailed instructions. But the fact is that sometimes we don’t get directions in life, and other times they are in Chinese. Sometimes the slipcover fits and sometimes it doesn’t (seriously, those things are the worst). But with these new challenges, God promises one thing that can sustain us in even the most difficult and trying times:

“I will never leave or forsake you,” 

-God

And we come out of it with a new skill (she says/types hopefully). Next time someone needs a new thing-a-ma-bob or has trouble putting their life together, we are the one to call. We can provide real help and real comfort with the cross of Jesus Christ. (And if you understand that helping is comforting and comforting is helping, you are off to a good start.)

The blank walls in my apartment represent a sort of blank canvas for my life. God has entrusted me with a paint brush and is letting me get after it. I am so excited to see the different shades and to see how creative God is in leading me. The walls represent a limitless future where mistakes are real and grace is overflowing.

I also have a sweeper and a bucket full of highly toxic cleaning products because life is messy, and I will make plenty of mistakes. At some point you gotta own that…and learn to love how God is always cleaning us up and purifying us to know him and serve him better.

Perhaps the best part of my apartment (and me, for the matter) is what lives inside: Jesus. He has taken up residence in my heart and is my sustenance. He breathes into his word and loves me through it all, through my furniture (people), through construction (challenges), in painting blank walls (creative fulfillment), and in the messes (of sin and heartache).

Call me a cheese-ball, but I think this one bedroom apartment perfectly ties together past and present-- all the while leaving room for an incredible journey in the future, to serve my beautiful, strong, and gracious, loving God. Praise be to Him. 

Claim It

The youth pastor at my home church and my very dear friend, Jerry Zeilstra is known among the youth, perhaps best by his way of speaking. It is direct, but tender. It is funny, but truthful. And aside from the "Whoa, hard charger!" and "What you been doin' with your bad self?" and several other nonsensical expressions--there are many idioms that have been bells (or sounding alarms) in my head in the years that I have been apart from him. 


Some that I really like: "The only way to do it, is to do it." And in opposition, "The only way not to do it, is not to do it." Simple. True. Oh how we love to complicate things! This has come in handy when I just didn't want to run those horrible mile-repeats. Thanks, Jer. 


Another is "Let your yes be yes and your no be no," and like it, "Mean what you say, and say what you mean" If you appreciate honesty in others, then be honest yourself. Sugar coating things doesn't make it any easier in the end.


I think he only said this once, but I never forgot it. "Those who are sold out for Christ don't forget who they are sold out for." We need to evaluate ourselves with this one. Who are you doing (fill in the blank) for? Really?? We must not forget that where others fail to see our heart and intentions, God does. 


Perhaps my favorite colloquialism of Jerry's is this: "If you don't know God's promises, you can't claim them." This is a truth that is always useful, but has been especially valuable to me in times of trial and growth (...because denial and death is required for resurrection and life so says the Bible and our other Hebron pillar, Doug Rehberg) 


So what is required for us to know God's promises? I don't think a frail list in a forgotten notebook substantiates "claiming" God's promises. It is not enough. We must believe them, and stake our lives upon them. Faith isn't about wisdom or knowledge, no, it is about an exuberant confidence in the one who will give us wings and sustain our flight after we jump of a daunting cliff. 

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" 

These words of Paul in the book of Galatians have been a light in the darkness to many. I have poured over them time and time again, in response to some really good preaching, and also in my own illustrations to younger Christians. But as I sat reading the familiar words last night, they came to life again--and I heard the alarm from Jerry in my head. 


Is this verse something that I could say? Me, Emily Meehan Prokopik. Sure Paul said it and its encouraging, but can I claim it? Can you claim it? 


It brought tears to my eyes and a new softness to my heart. I HAVE been crucified with Christ, and the life I live in this imperfect 5'7'' frame, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved ME enough to die for me. No, if I was strong enough to gain righteousness on my own, Christ would not have shed His blood at all.  

::Repentance, rest, rejuvenation, Salvation::

I need reminders that I can't earn God's favor. And more than those, I need to commit daily to crucifying myself with Christ so that I may not rely on myself, but on His strength, on His beauty, and on His performance. 


Yes, Jerry, Galatians 2:20 are the most precious words that I am proud to claim.